[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed   Jul. 26th, 2017 04:00 am

Posted by Dan Savage

Her two teenage daughters are fighting over the same boy. by Dan Savage

I'm a reader in Kansas with two teenage daughters, 16 and 18. My girls recently met a boy where they work and both took an interest in him. The 18-year-old was devastated that he was more interested in her younger sister. I spoke to the 16-year-old about it, which is when I found out this boy is going to be a sophomore in college. The fact that he's interested in a 16-year-old is a red flag. I asked the 16-year-old to keep her distance. She agreed, but I saw a shirtless photo he sent her. I don't know what other photos he's sent and I don't know what she's sent him, but I immediately removed all photo apps from her phone. The girls have had public fights about this boy. They've made peace with each other, but now my 18-year-old wants to date him. I can't control the actions of an 18-year-old but (1) it seem likely this guy is a complete creep and (2) isn't her relationship with her sister more important?

Knowing A Numbskull Stalks Adorable Sisters

1. I'm not ready to pronounce this guy a creep—at least not for the age difference. It sounds like he met your daughters someplace they're all working this summer, which is a lot less icky than some college boy creeping on high-school girls via Instagram. And you say this boy is going to be a sophomore in college, KANSAS, but don't give his age. There are 30-year-old college sophomores, of course, but if this boy went straight to college from high school, that would make him 19 years old. If your 16-year-old is closing in on 17, this guy could be "older" by two years and change. While I can understand why you wouldn't want your younger daughter dating college boys, I think you are overreacting to the age difference—and it's a moot issue, as he's no longer pursuing your younger daughter.

1.5. You know what is creepy? Pursuing a pair of sisters. The possibility of conflict was so predictable, it was likely a motivating factor for him. Getting off on drama and public fights isn't a crime, but it is a red flag.

2. You ordered your 16-year-old to stop seeing this guy and deleted apps from her phone. (It's cute you think your daughter isn't tech-savvy enough to re-download and hide all the same apps.) You should warn your daughter about the risks of sexting—it may be legal for her to have sex (16 is the age of consent in Kansas), but she could face child porn charges for sending photos and this boy could wind up on a sex-offender registry for receiving them. (Laws meant to protect young people from being exploited are routinely used to punish them.) But don't attempt to micromanage your daughters' love lives. Parental disapproval has a way of driving teenagers into each other's arms, KANSAS. If you don't want your daughters having a fuck-you-mom threesome with this guy before the summer is over, you'll let them work through this on their own—but go ahead and stitch "boys come and go but sisters are forever" on a couple of pillows and put them on their beds.


I'm a straight guy married to a wonderful woman. She has a daughter. This girl's bio dad is a checked-out deadbeat, so I have played "dad" since I met her mom five years ago. The girl who used to be a gangly, awkward 11-year-old is now 16, and there's no other way to put this: She is hot. I'm not supposed to notice, I know, and I have ZERO interest in being creepy with her, and she has ZERO interest in me. But she has always liked to cuddle with me and still does. I believe safe closeness from a dad figure helps girls make good choices when it comes to boys. (If not for me, she might seek attention from douchebag teenage boys trying to take advantage.) I want to continue to play this role for her. But when she comes in wearing tiny shorts and puts her legs over my lap, I get rock hard. I'm not trying to be creepy, but I'm a guy and she's a perfect female specimen. I can't say, "We can't be as physically close as we used to be," because that itself would be creepy and it would make her sad.

Insert Dad Acronym Here Obviously

Sometimes children grow up and get hot, and bonus adults in their lives—typically (and thankfully) not their bio or lifelong parents—can't help but notice. The onus is on the adult in that situation to suppress that shit. Not awareness of a young person's objective hotness, which cannot be suppressed, but all evidence of said awareness. Which means setting boundaries and, if necessary, keeping your distance. No, you shouldn't go to your stepdaughter and say, "You got hot, and I get boners when you put your legs on my lap, so stop." But you should put an end to the cuddling. When she plops down on the couch, go take a walk or a shower or a shit. Better she has a sad over the end of snuggle time than she notices your boners and feels unsafe around you.

She's most likely plopping down on you out of habit, IDAHO, not out of a need for affection from a trusted male. I promise you, she's not going to start blowing bad boys in back alleys if she can't get close enough to give you a boner anymore. (Also, if you don't want to come across as a creep, don't describe your stepdaughter—or any other woman—as a "perfect female specimen." Ick.)


My college-student daughter lives in an apartment over our garage. She has a boyfriend, age 19. After many loud "discussions," he is allowed to sleep over. My daughter got an IUD without informing me, so I assume they're sexually active. Two days ago, I crept into the apartment to check on something and found bondage items on her bed—a set of formidable leather restraints. I'm worried she's being pressured to do things someone her age wouldn't be interested in. We agreed not to go into the apartment when she wasn't present, and I know there will be a loud "discussion" if I tell her what I saw. The mental image of my bound daughter distresses me and I worry for her safety. What do I do?

Offspring Has Incriminating Objects

You stay the fuck out of your offspring's apartment when she isn't home, OHIO, per your agreement. And you keep these things in mind: Just as there are young queer people out there, there are young kinky people out there too. Your adult daughter might be one of them. For all you know, the restraints were her idea and her boyfriend is the one getting tied up. And a scary-to-mom set of restraints is a lot safer than nylon clothesline or cheap handcuffs. Leather restraints distribute pressure evenly, making them less likely to pinch a nerve or cut off circulation. Like your adult daughter getting herself an IUD, formidable bondage gear is a good sign that she takes her safety seriously. (And how did you find out about the IUD she got without informing you? Did you wander up her vagina one day to "check on something"?)

Finally, OHIO, it's perfectly understandable that you don't like the mental image of your adult daughter tied to the bed in her apartment (her apartment, not the apartment), but I'm guessing you don't like the mental image of your adult daughter with a dick in her mouth, either. Just as you don't torment yourself by picturing the blowjobs your adult daughter is almost certainly giving her boyfriend, don't torment yourself by picturing whatever else she might be doing with, to, or for him. recommended


On the Lovecast, bespoke porn and sexy stamps: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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erinptah: (pyramid)
[personal profile] erinptah   Jul. 21st, 2017 05:23 pm
This guy is safely back at the local shelter where he came from.

(Full details in locked posts -- if you didn't see them, and would like to be on a filter that includes stuff like cat drama, feel free to comment.)

The name on the shelter paperwork is Eli, so that's what I'm going to call him, not the name picked out by the roommate who brought him home and then wasn't around to take care of him.

Eli is super shy and super timid, but also totally mellow -- even when he was scared he never bit or scratched, just hid. In the three weeks he was at the flat, there was literally one time when he felt safe enough to approach a human on his own volition. Then he got spooked again, and there weren't enough days to re-reassure him before returning him to the professionals.

But I did get photos of him on the couch.



Petting for a sweet boy.



I hope he gets adopted by someone he can climb all over.
erinptah: Cat in a backpack (cat)
[personal profile] erinptah   Jul. 18th, 2017 10:14 pm
Linguistics links:

Nothing new under the sun: "in tibullus 1.8 (a poem about his boyfriend Marathus) has this line about “pugnantibus linguis” (literally battling tongues) which means that the idea of tongues battling for dominance in homoerotic fiction has been going on since at least the 1st century bce"

From Seaspeak to Singlish: cool English dialects and English-based creoles.

Hawaiian pidgin has a great all-purpose noun -- it's "you-know-what", "whatchamacallit", "so-and-so", and "the thing" all at once.

Cat links:

Before there were laptops, cats were happy to sit on our portable typewriters.

"I was right there in case he got upset — I was expecting him to hiss or growl or slink away. But then one of the ginger kittens started licking Mason’s ear, and Mason sort of leaned into it and closed his eyes like it was the most amazing thing ever."

[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed   Jul. 19th, 2017 04:00 am

Posted by Dan Savage

Man's roommate is in a femdom relationship by Dan Savage

I'm a 35-year-old straight woman, recently married, and everything is great. But I have been having problems reaching orgasm. When we first started dating, I had them all the time. It was only after we got engaged that it became an issue. He is not doing anything differently, and he works hard to give me oral pleasure, last longer, and include more foreplay. He's sexy and attractive and has a great working penis. I am very aroused when we have sex, but I just can't climax. It is weird because I used to very easily, and still can when I masturbate. I have never been so in love before and I have definitely never been with a man who is so good to me. Honestly, all of my previous boyfriends did not treat me that well, but I never had a problem having orgasms. My husband is willing to do whatever it takes, but it's been almost a year since I came during vaginal intercourse! Is this just a temporary problem that will fix itself?

My Orgasms Are Now Shy

"This is a temporary problem that will fix itself," said Dr. Meredith Chivers, an associate professor of psychology at Queen's University and a world-renowned sex researcher who has done—and is still doing—groundbreaking work on female sexuality, desire, and arousal.

"And here's why it will fix itself," said Dr. Chivers. "First, MOANS has enjoyed being orgasmic with her partner and previous partners. Second, even though she's had a hiatus in orgasms through vaginal intercourse, she is able to have orgasms when masturbating. Third, she describes no concerns with becoming sexually aroused physically and mentally. Fourth, MOANS has a great relationship, has good sexual communication, and is sexually attracted to her partner. Fifth, what she's experiencing is a completely normal and expected variation in sexual functioning that probably relates to stress."

The orgasms you're not having right now—orgasms during PIV sex with your husband—the lack of which is causing you stress? Most likely the result of stress, MOANS, so stressing out about the situation will only make the problem worse.

"I wonder if the background stress of a big life change—getting married is among the top 10 most stressful life events—might be distracting or anxiety-provoking," said Dr. Chivers. "Absolutely normal if it were."

Distracting, anxiety-provoking thoughts can also make it harder to come.

"Being able to have an orgasm is about giving yourself over to pleasure in the moment," said Dr. Chivers. "Research on brain activation during orgasm suggests that a key feature is deactivation in parts of the brain associated with emotion and cognitive control. So difficulties reaching orgasm can arise from distracting, anxiety-provoking thoughts that wiggle their way in when you're really aroused, maybe on the edge, but just can't seem to make it over. They interfere with that deactivation."

Dr. Chivers's advice will be familiar to anyone with a daughter under the age of 12: Let it go.

"Let go of working toward vaginal orgasm during sex," Dr. Chivers advised. "Take vaginal orgasm off the table for at least a month—you're allowed to do other things and come other ways, just not through vaginal-penile intercourse. Instead of working toward the goal of bringing back your vaginal orgasm, enjoy being with your sexy husband and experiment with other ways of sharing pleasure, and if the vaginal orgasms don't immediately come back, oh well. There are, fortunately, many roads to Rome. Enjoy!"

My advice? Buy some stress-busting pot edibles if you're lucky enough to live in a state that has legal weed, MOANS, or make your own if you live in a suck-ass state that doesn't. And tell your husband to stop trying so hard—if his efforts are making you feel guilty, that's going to be hugely counterproductive.

But last word goes to Dr. Chivers: "If your vaginal orgasms don't return, and you're unhappy about that, consider connecting with a sex therapist in your area. In the USA, AASECT, the (AASECT.org) is a great resource for finding a therapist or counselor.”

Follow Dr. Chivers on Twitter @DrMLChivers.


I'm a straight man who recently moved in with a rich, straight friend. He sent me an e-mail before I moved in letting me know he was in a femdom relationship. He was only telling me this, he said, because I might notice "small, subtle rituals meant to reinforce [their] D/s dynamic." If it bothered me, I shouldn't move in. Finding an affordable place in Central London is hard, so I told him I didn't mind. But I do. Their many "rituals" run the gamut from the subtle to the not-so-subtle: He can't sit on the furniture without her permission, which she grants with a little nod (subtle); when he buzzes her in, he has to wait by the door on his hands and knees and kiss her feet when she enters and keep at it until she tells him to stop (NOT SUBTLE!). She's normal with me—she doesn't attempt to order me around—but these "rituals" make me uncomfortable and I worry they're getting off from my witnessing them.

Rituals Often Observed Mortifying In Extreme

His apartment, his rules—or her rules, actually. If you don't want to witness the shit your rich and submissive friend with the great apartment warned you about before you moved in, ROOMIE, you'll have to move your ass out.


I know a teenager in a theater production who is receiving inappropriate advances from an older member of the cast. Her refusals are met with aggression and threats that he'll make a scene, ruining the show for everyone. I believe that fear is causing her to follow through with things she isn't interested in or comfortable with. What advice would you have on how she gets out of this situation? She's otherwise enjoying the theater experience.

Theatrical Harassment Really Enrages Adult Torontonian

The awesome band Whitehorse invited me to Toronto to celebrate their new album, Panther in the Dollhouse, which features songs inspired by sex-workers-rights activists and—blushing—the Savage Lovecast. (Luke and Melissa and the band rehearsed and played the Savage Lovecast theme live, which was magical.) Anyway, THREAT, I answered your question during the show and I kindasorta jumped down your throat. I thought you were a member of the theater company and an eyewitness—and passive bystander—to this harassment. ("You ask what this kid can do about this," I recall saying, "but the better question is why haven't you done something about it?")

But there was nothing in your question to indicate you were an eyewitness and a passive bystander, THREAT, which I didn't realize until rereading your question after the show. Sigh. I have more time to digest the questions that appear in the column or on the podcast, and my copy editor (peace be upon her) and the tech-savvy at-risk youth live to point out a detail I may have missed or gotten wrong, prompting me to rewrite or rerecord an answer. But I'm on my own at live shows—no copy editor, no TSARY, no net—upping the odds of a screwup. My apologies, THREAT.

But even if you're not an eyewitness, THREAT, there are still a few things you can do. First, keep listening to your friend. In addition to offering her your moral support, encourage her to speak to the director of the play and the artistic director of the theater. This fucking creep needs to be fired—and if the people running the show are made aware of the situation and don't act, they need to be held accountable. A detailed Facebook post brought to the attention of the local media should do the trick. Hopefully it won't come to that, THREAT, but let me know if it does. Because I'm happy to help make that Facebook post go viral. recommended


On the Lovecast, Amanda Marcotte on Game of Thrones: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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erinptah: Madoka and Homura (madoka)
[personal profile] erinptah   Jul. 16th, 2017 01:16 am
Down to my last 48 images on Photobucket. Have a rescued picspam.

It's Mma Precious Ramotswe and Mma Grace Makutsi, the heroines of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency. Hugging. Seriously, it's just screencaps of this one great time they hugged.

Precious and Grace

That's Mma Ramotswe on the left. She's the detective. Very smart, very good with emotions, lots of tragic backstory. IIRC she's feeling the tragic backstory pretty hard in this moment.

And Mma Makutsi on the right. Very serious secretary/manager, first in her class, doesn't much approve of Feelings. The fact that she's having some is a big deal.

Doubles as an art reference for anyone looking to draw a hug. )
.

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